Same goals, different body.

My Journey Back to Competition After Having a Baby.

When I was pregnant, I had a very vivid picture in my head of what life would look like postpartum. I firmly believed that my body wouldn’t change drastically because I was an athlete. I thought I would be back in the gym as soon as I was cleared at my 6 week appointment. I thought Mikey and I would be able to balance the baby so that we could both train. Now, I look back and laugh because I genuinely thought I had it all figured out, boy was I wrong!

I can’t necessarily say that I was naive because I knew that our new life would be hard. I was fully aware that there would be a big adjustment period; but knowing that something is hard and actually living inside the hard are two completely different things. Nobody tells you that the version of postpartum life you imagine while you’re still pregnant is basically fiction. I was picturing my life from a viewpoint of a person and a body that hasn’t gone through childbirth; now I know exactly what it’s like and can share the journey from an honest perspective.

Getting to the Gym Is a Team Effort Now

Before I had my baby, training was just something that I did every day; it was a habit. Getting to the gym wasn’t a juggling act, I didn’t have to coordinate training around anyone else’s schedule, I didn’t have to ask for help or make sure I had my partner with me at the gym. I just went, that simple. The simplicity and freedom of just getting up and going is gone and that’s an aspect of my life that I didn’t fully appreciate until it was gone.

Every training session that I get to enjoy now is because Mikey is with me at the gym, taking care of our son. Because I am solely relying on him, if something changes (work commitments, our son is having a rough day, or just life in general) I can’t make it to the gym. I’ve had to learn to be okay with missing training sessions and it has been one of my biggest struggles (I’ve been a brat more than a few times). The adjustment has been so difficult because I am used to being disciplined and consisent; I’m used to my training schedule being something that I control. Now, the gym depends on more than just me. That has been one of the hardest mental adjustments of this entire process.

I didn’t realize how much I took for granted the ability to just go

I’m grateful for every single time that I get to step on the mats. I am grateful for my family for sacrificing their time to be at the gym with me and I am grateful that my dream is still alive.

Weight Loss While Breastfeeding is Not What I Expected.

I wanted to talk about this because I think a lot of people have the same misconception I did going in. Rumor had it, that breastfeeding would help with weight loss. I can’t even tell you how many people told me that when I was pregnant. What I didn’t understand is how complicated losing weight would be while breast feeding and training less than I ever have in my life.

My body is doing something huge right now. I am sustaining life for two people: myself and my child. And producing milk for my baby is around the clock task that takes up so much energy. It’s exhausting. I’m constantly hungry and needing to fuel my body, and my body is holding on to weight to support us in a way that it never has before. Mentally understanding what my body is doing and being okay with looking the way that I do are two different beasts.

Right now, I’m not training the amount that I’m used to, I still don’t get a full night’s sleep, I’m exclusively breastfeeding, and my hormones are still not balanced. Of course, my body isn’t going to function the way that I’m used to. I am currently operating under different conditions than the ones I’ve spent my entire athletic career operating under. I’m basically starting from scratch with my own physiology, and that is genuinely a humbling experience.

I Feel Lost in My Own Body

This is the one that I sat with for a long time before I was willing to say it out loud. I feel lost in my new body and I don’t feel like it belongs to me anymore. There’s extra weight that I am not used to. There’s softness in areas where there wasn’t before. I am the life force for my child. It’s not just the way that my body looks, I am struggling to control my body the way that I once used to.

As an athlete, your relationship with your body is built on trust. You train it, you learn it, you push it, and naturally, your body responds. What you put in, is exactly what you get out. That relationship has been the foundation of my identity for as long as I can remember. At this point in time, that relationship doesn’t feel the same. My body’s number one priority is fueling my sweet baby, and getting back into competition shape isn’t at the top of it’s list. I completely understand that this period of my life is temporary and it will be over before I know it, but that doesn’t make the feelings any easier to cope with.

I feel like I cant control my body the way that I used to. And for someone who has spent their whole life in that body, that is a strange and difficult place to be.

And then there’s , my core (NIGHTMARE). My core was always something that I was able to rely on without thinking and I never realized how strong it actually was. Unfortunately, after giving birth, my core isn’t the same as it once was. I had to relearn how to breathe correctly, especially when training at a high pace during jiu jitsu. I also had to learn to work with a weak core while trying to sit up or retain my guard in training; movements that I didn’t realize were so core dependent. I can say, over the past few months my core has gotten slightly stronger and certain movements are easier to do, but it’s not what it once was. Day by day, I am working to get that area stronger again.

A Different Timeline

My goal to compete is still the same as it was before I was pregnant, my drive and determination is the same. What has changed is my life and the circumstances around competing. Everything is different: my body, my schedule, my recovery, and my capacity. I’m slowly learning that holding on to the goals while releasing the timeline is not the same as giving up.

Motherhood has already changed the way that I show up for myself. My time matters more than ever so I have to make the absolute most of every training session, every round, and every partner. I’m constantly reminding myself that investing time in my dreams and goals makes me a better mother (even though the guilt does creep in).

I’m still not sure what my timeline for a return to competition will look like. I just know that every day that I step foot in the gym is a step closer to competition and it’s a stepping stone to be a better version of myself.

Until next time, Megan